What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How does one acquire holy water?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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