Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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