I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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