The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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