She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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