I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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