There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
