My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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