oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
