i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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