I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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