Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
