So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
