Cold hands, warm shart.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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