You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
