Your mouth is God's brothel.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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