Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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