I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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