I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
