i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
