He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
