Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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