Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
