i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
