On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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