Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
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The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
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All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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