I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
