I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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