whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
