Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
