You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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