How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
