Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
