I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
