It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
