you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
