His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
