you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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