I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
