I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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