wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
