I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
