I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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