Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
