a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
