Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
