Pappa wants mamma naked
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
operation harelip BJ is a go
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
