You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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