I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
