You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
