and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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