What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
