Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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