have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
