just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
