Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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